Carb-apalooza

I was excellent last week with my eating habits. There were days when I was over my caloric intake by 300 or 400 calories; then everything was balanced out the next day with an extra 300 or 400 calories remaining at the end of the day.

Then, Carb-apalooza hit. It was a nightmare of my own creation. I had purchased a bag of animal crackers... a gigantic bag. Over the past three days, I've had this perpetual cycle of going into the pantry, grabbing 4 or 5 crackers, sealing the bag shut, and then devouring the crackers. Then, three minutes passes and I go back into the kitchen.

The animal crackers bag has 17 servings and, upon being half finished, I finally threw the bag in the trash. I threw it to the bottom of the trash too, beneath coffee grounds and other gross items I would not be tempted by whatsoever.

I haven't been to the gym since Friday, but it feels like it has been ages. It's amazing how your body can revert back to its old, lazy ways. It's not helping that I have a bit of the summertime blues. People can scoff at me all they want: "You have the whole summer off. What's there to complain about?" However, I sometimes do feel down in the summer. I have no idea why, but it happens every year. I could get a summer job, but I am stubborn and do not want to think that "work" is what defines me.

Once I get off my ass, I'm going to the gym... hoping to feel better...both physically and mentally. 

Remedial weight loss

I'm down to 164. I'm trying extremely hard to make sure that I log 5 miles each day on my fitbit. My caloric intake is 1360 or less.

Still though, I feel like a weight loss idiot. This whole process should not be this difficult. I want to see my face thinner and want to have the extra skin at the sides of my stomach...decrease in size...not disappear...just decrease.

Still though, at least I have a smaller transition than some people in life. I can't imagine what it would be like to be "skinny mini" (as my grandmother used to say) and then one day wake up and be "big." I've always been larger, so being big is nothing new to me. My goal weight would probably be no lower than 150, although I'd be happy with 155. Most BMI and other health charts will show than 155 pounds for a person of my height is still "unhealthy." Fuck them. I just want to fit into more pairs of my jeans. 

Out of refills, voluntarily

The other day, a co-worker was telling me a statistic that he read in regard to fitbits and other personal fitness trackers. On average, most people, stop using the device after a 90 day time range. This statistic is comparable to the one about how people stop their New Year's resolutions within 90 days, if not earlier.

I haven't posted to this blog in eons....probably 90 days. However, I've still been tracking food on myfitnesspal. I've still been going to the gym and, most days, have logged 10,000 steps on my fitbit.

I had some losses in my weight about a month ago. This loss coincided with my usage of Phentermine. Basically, I went to my general physician and explained my frustration over not losing weight. I eat 1,400 or less calories a day and exercise "somewhat" often, yet I still feel like a behemoth. The doctor ran lots of blood tests on me and, with the exception of a slight vitamin D deficiency, I had no health issues that would be barriers to my weight loss. Secretly, I was hoping for a case of hypothyroidism to explain my fat-assedness...no such condition afflicts me.

the doctor said he could prescribe me, on a temporary basis, something called phentermine. It's basically a stimulant and some people have used it as an appetite suppressant. I used it for a month and felt phenomenal. I'd wake up in the morning, avoid my morning coffee, and instead would pop one of the blue and red pills. It made me feel energized, yet calm. In terms of suppressing my appetite, I don't think I noticed any major shifts in my eating.

Fast forward to the day my pills ran out. I basically did not want to "rely" on pills for weight loss. The idea of having a daily dose of a stimulant, which can be addictive, freaked me out. I hate taking pills, in general. When my pill supply ran out (you only can get a 30 day supply at once and have to go to the doctor for refill prescriptions), I just figured I'd stop taking phentermine.

Cue the next week: I felt incredibly exhausted. I'd come home from work, eat lots of Hershey kisses and whatever junk food was around, then go to sleep. Consecutive days passed like this and I couldn't figure it out. I thought it was residual fatigue from the 8th grade trip that I had chaperoned the week before.

By day 5, I figured it out----withdrawal from the stimulant. I was so pissed at myself for taking this "easy fix" for a month and then being completely in a slump after not taking it anymore.

Karma struck... even though I didn't overeat too much, my week of being a slug made me gain 5 pounds.

Now, almost one month later, without taking phentermine, and I'm getting back to where I want to be. I'm @ 165 pounds now. I just took a weight class at the gym and my quads kill. Excellent.  

Wings lead to downfalls

When it comes to eating well consistently, I irritate myself. For days and days, I will eat well (egg beaters + fruit for breakfast, protein + veggies for lunch and same for dinner, small snacks of fruit and almonds). Then, one "bad meal" leads to total downfall.

Case in point: last Thursday evening. I was out with friends and had "saved" calories for an IPA. IPAs are 200+ calories each and I know light beers are significantly less caloric, but...light beers suck. I'd rather use 200 calories on a good beer. Anyway, I ordered my IPA and was enjoying it. I can't talk as elegantly as John can talk about craft beers, but this beer was delish. Delish is really sufficient enough for any food or beverage description, in my opinion. 

The evening was going fine until...the clock struck 10. Half-price wings, damn it. I only got five wings, which is basically an insult to all wing connoisseur, but five wings is enough to do some damage, calorie-wise. 

Friday night's meal included cheeseburger on pretzel bun (pretzel buns get me every time---they're so gimmicky, but I love them), fries, ice cream, and another IPA. On Saturday, I indulged in Chinese food for lunch, only to find out that John wanted to go out to dinner that night too (we rarely go out to dinner on Saturday nights). So....two meals out on Saturday.

Sunday, I got back on track. Today, I got back on track with food and with the gym. I bought this energy drink that had "serving gauges" on the side so that I did not drink more than one serving. The drink tasted like garbage, mixed with berries, but I "felt" like I could run crazy fast....for three minutes at a time, lol. 

Yesterday, I walked on a treadmill next to a girl who was crazy skinny. One of my thighs equaled two of her legs. She was basically half of me. After being at the gym, I thought to myself, "Hmm...if I had 900 calories a day, I'd be okay...and I'd lose tons of weight." Then, as quickly as that thought entered my mind, it fleeted. 

I just want to fit into more than one fucking pair of pants for work. Agh. 

Fruitcake coma

Current weight: 172

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my weight to decrease. Using couch to 5k and training, all while eating 1300 or less calories, seemed to do little to get that # down. Everything was completely anti-climactic due to us not being able to attend the actual Ugly Sweater Run (stupid snow).

Today, I had a moment of weakness. It lasted for about 5 minutes, but did 500+ calories worth of damage.

Every Christmas, my mother gets me a fruit cake from Swiss Colony, a company based in Wisconsin. If Wisconsin can do anything correct, its expertise lies in cheese, bratwurst, and other delectable fatty foods. Not surprisingly, Swiss Colony's fruitcakes kick ass.

Fruitcake is a mysterious treat--- a dense bread with jellied fruits and gigantic pecans. I realize that it's full of sugar, but I almost feel like it would be "healthier" to indulge in a burger, fries, and milkshake rather than a slice of fruitcake.

Anyway, within 5 minutes, I ate 1 1/2 servings of the fruitcake (serving size is 1/5 of the cake). I have to admit that it was "stress eating"---the type of eating that really irritates me since it is usually done in a flurry of unawareness.

A few hours later, and I feel dehydrated and sluggish. Things will be better tomorrow, but it is frustrating when I "try" to have healthy habits and see no type of outcome.

Donuts and pumpkin pie, oh my

I've been doing phenomenal with eating and 5k training. During the past two weeks, my average "travel" distance, according to the fitbit, has been 4.5 miles. I've even done some running after school around the soccer field, despite the 32 degree temperature. I've mostly stayed under 1,400 calories too. I've felt energized and happy (with the exception of my 5 day "adventure" with stupidly bright red hair).

Cut to Friday, 11/22 and last night, 11/23. On Friday, we went to Charlie Brown's Steakhouse for dinner. While I ordered a healthy entree, it still brought me past my daily 1,400 calories. Those healthy options on the menu are bullshit. They're still doused with butter and other calories that easily add up. When we got home, I also engulfed two donuts.

Last night, a friend held a pre-Thanksgiving pot luck dinner. While I ate small portions of food for dinner, I also had three beers, a slice of pumpkin pie, and a slice of cheesecake.

Today, I feel kind of crummy. It's amazing how only two days worth of "bad eating" (and I actually did not eat too badly; we're not talking pizza, cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, and other grease-laden foods) could make me feel crummy.

Regardless of how I currently feel, I am making an oath to myself to get to the gym today. I'm on the last day of week 4 in couch-to-5k. It's intervals of running for 5 minutes and walking for 90 seconds. It's challenging, but all I think in my head is: If the people on Biggest Loser can do it, so can I.

Onward ...and downward (pounds-wise)

At this point, for 75+ straight days, I have logged every morsel that enters my mouth. I started couch to 5k awhile ago, but now am actually making progress with it. I am on day 3 of week 2. This is kind of pathetic since I started couch to 5k month(s) ago, but at this point I am actually working out consistently.

My current weight is 174. I "feel" thinner than that though. My true indicator of any type of weight loss, fat less, or toning will be when I actually have more than 2 pairs of pants to wear to work. Right now, I am left with a black pair of pants, a brown pinstriped pair of pants (brown pants, in general, are just dreadful), and numerous elastic-waisted skirts.

Kickball has been going okay. It's amazing how a person could be so many years past an experience (high school gym class about 15 years ago) and then be able to instantly re-live all the emotions from that moment. When in the outfield for kickball, I find myself softly chanting, "Please don't come to me; please don't come to me." When I am up at "bat," I silently try to urge the ball to go far and lower to the ground, but those efforts have only left it to go straight in the air for an immediate pop-up out.

At our most recent game, this past Tuesday, it was as if a glimmer of light and hope descended on the kickball field. One of our opponent's kicked a bar ridiculously upward and far. The guys all around me called the catch, "I got it." I didn't utter a word and just ended up catching the ball. In happiness, I screamed so loudly that my throat hurt a little bit. Luckily, I did catch that ball. Those guys would have been pissed if they called the catch and then I didn't call it, yet also didn't catch the ball either.

Numbers-wise, I feel at a standstill. Physically and mentally though, I feel good and energized. I find myself wanting to constantly move and am truly attempting to move 5 miles a day, according to my Fitbit.

Onward and downward....