Skipped

Tonight, for the first time since joining WW, I skipped a meeting. After my three pound gain last week, I could not bear the thought of stepping on the scale this evening. I'm waiting until Friday to go to the meeting and weigh in. I'm hoping that the two extra days will help "even out" my weight. I don't expect to easily lose the three pounds gained from last week (especially because of the bridal shower and St Patty's gluttony from last weekend), but I just need to see that number do down by a bit.

My downfall is when I come home from work. I make a beastly dash for the kitchen and eat large amounts of food. Today, I was under my points, but when I came home from work, I had a large amount of food: salmon, vegetables, rice, sausage link, two point bar, pear, banana, and grapefruit. It's a large amount of food, but most of it is fairly "healthy."

I'm hoping for some better results on Friday. We'll see.

Downfall

Last week was a moment of disappointment. Whether it was water weight or actual, authentic, reality-laden weight gain, I was feeling down last Wednesday.

Instead of amping up my workouts and being meticulous with my food intake, the past few days have been filled with gluttony. On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower and ate moderately...until dessert began. I had a bowl filled with frozen yogurt, covered with a modest amount of mini Reeses cups as a topping. As the toppings began to disappear, I would walk back to the toppings bar and refill my yogurt bowl with more toppings. I could not decide between types of cookies to eat--so I ate quite a few. Chocolate and coconut covered strawberries were another dessert I could not resist.

After the shower, I attended a friend's St. Patty's Day party. I consumed four beers, one mixed drink, and multiple small slices of cake (which basically equals two or three large slices).

On Sunday, I had a small breakfast, but later in the day had half a sub, two beers, and diner food at 1am.

I have no desire to step on a scale because I feel like I have put my body through utter destruction.

I wish things were easier. I wish that instead of thinking about intricately frosted cupcakes, I could daydream about going for a run or doing reps with kettle bells. That's not me though. I'm visiting my sister in Florida this weekend. When I initially bought the plane ticket in January, my goal was to be down to 160 pounds. I thought to myself, Maybe I'll have to buy smaller sized clothing for the trip. No such situation currently exists.

Until Florida though, I'd like to work out each day. Five days in a row. Eek. 

Feeling fat as fuck

Weight: 173.4 pounds

I've heard the phrase "fat as fuck," but have no comprehension of its origins. I looked it up on urbandictionary.com and it was not listed as an entry of its own. What an odd phrase and weird juxtaposition of words.

After two weeks of consistent weight loss (2.4 pounds each week), I somehow gained three pounds this week. After I got off the scale, Judy, the woman at the desk, asked, "What happened?" I explained about how the night before weigh-in and how I definitely had indulged (3 beers, BLT, and a scant amount of fries). She replied, "Oh, water weight."

I hate making excuses for weight gains, but I decided to do a small amount of Internet research on water weight. A few articles did mention how alcohol can affect water retention.

I feel like I've gone off track, and not even by that much. My body frustrates me. I definitely indulged this week, but it was not as if I was consuming fried Twinkies or massive amounts of fast food. I don't understand my current state of biology.

Since weigh-in, I've been tracking, but I've gone over my daily points for two consecutive days. I'm getting irritated. I went to the gym yesterday and just walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, then packed up my stuff, and left.

I hope next week goes better for me. I know all of this is in "my control," and blah blah blah. I wish it wasn't so difficult. It's just food. 

"The beautiful people"

Self-esteem has been a struggle for most of my life. Nobody should state that someone else's lack of self-worth is a fib or bullshit, but While most people will admit to some form of self-esteem struggles, mine were definitely justified.  Case in point: Within one year of high school, I gained 37 pounds and had ballooned to 180+ pounds. Additionally, I had cystic acne. 

The combination of overweight status and horrible skin made living "down the shore" almost pointless. I barely went to the beach or boardwalk during high school and when I did, I wore guys' clothes. I bought men's surfer tshirts (horizontally striped--not exactly the smartest idea), wore guys' cargo shorts, and topped off the look with Vans sneakers. My hair was generally pulled back, despite the horrible skin. I usually had some form of foundation on my face. Although I knew it did not really cover the acne, nor did it even match my skin tone, it was like my mask against the world. 

In college, I was able to drop 30 pounds within a year. I basically would still gorge myself, but instead of having cheese steaks,  fries, pizza, and sodas, I'd have fruits, salads, and deli meats minus the breads. At about the same time, I went on Accutane and my skin quickly cleared up. 

Cue to 2002, my first year of teaching. I was about 155 pounds, 160 pounds at the most. I definitely could spare to lose a few pounds, but I did not consider myself that big. Despite the fact that a large portion of the US population is obese (1/3 according to the CDC), a majority of my co-workers were thin. A majority of my co-workers were thin, tan, and blonde. There was even a joke about it when I got hired. Another brunette told me, "We were hoping they'd hire you, the brunette." 

My first year of teaching was horrible. While I was dealing with the chaos of teaching 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, I also felt my self-esteem take a nosedive. I didn't understand how large portions of the population were overweight or "chubby" and how I was suddenly the "fat one" at my job. I recall wandering down the halls and silently humming Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" in my head. 

The hilarious thing is that when I was 160 during the first year of teaching, I felt big and heavy. Now, I desire to be at that exact weight. It's amusing how the mind works and how something, in the moment, could anger you....but then years later it could be what you strive for. I'd totally take 160 now.  

A middle number I have not seen in years

Weight= 170.4 pounds

True to my word, I've been very particular with my points ever since the gluttony @ Tired Hands brewpub. I've been under my points each day and exercised three days in a row. On one day, I was pressed for time and even walked/slightly jogged around the school building, ran up and down the staircase for 10 minutes, and did some sprints up and down the 6th grade hallway. It was actually incredibly fun.

Last night, I got on the scale and just hoped that I would break even. I hoped that the gluttony from the last week would just be canceled out by my smarter choices from the past 4 days. I stepped on the scale and was down another 2.4 pounds!

I'm pissed at myself for getting to this point, but I can't dwell on the past. Next week, if I lose .5 pounds, I will have a 6 as my middle number on my weight. I have not seen a 6 as the middle number in over two years.

I look forward to having my jeans sag and giving off the appearance of sloppiness. Instead of having baggy clothes as an attempt to cover flaws, my baggy clothes will be pseudo-mementos of my fat self.

Again, all of this is hilarious since my weight loss goals are nothing incredibly stellar. I was 152 for my wedding day; I'd be fine with that weight. I'd be fine with 155 (college weight). Those amazing Limited jeans from college will probably never fit again no matter how low my weight gets (damn hips), but I can still look at them and imagine myself in them.

I've skipped the gym two days in a row. I guess tomorrow I have to get back on track. Also, I need some purpose for why Ke$ha is on my Ipod.

From gluttony to below my points

John and I were gluttonous yesterday. We didn't have pizza slices with abundant toppings, grease-laden hamburgers, or fried...anything.

We took a daytrip (2 1/2 hour drive one way!) to Ardmore, PA to go to Tired Hands Brewing. It's a brewpub which, besides beers, is known for artisan breads and cheeses. Cue the gluttony.

I had two beers, a pint and a half a pint. Not so bad. For food, we had two platters of bread and butter, a platter of cheese (with bread), and sandwiches. Despite all of those carbs, I actually woke up at a normal time today and do not have the urge to sleep the day away. That has to be a good sign. I'm worried though about hopping onto that scale on Wednesday night. If I gain any weight this week, I will be so aggravated.

Realistically, I could have eaten way worse than tons of bread, a scant amount of cheese, and some beer. I'm still concerned though.

Until Wednesday, I am going to try to be below my daily points--not by a crazy large amount, but maybe by 2-3 points. I also want to try to hit the gym as much as possible and make time for walks during my prep periods. I don't expect much of weight loss this week, but if I break even, I'll be happy.

Off to the gym.... post-black coffee consumption.

Weigh in Idiosyncrasies and Post Weigh in Foolishness

I went to Weight Watchers on this past Wednesday, my normal weigh in day. Weigh in is at 6pm and I have a small string of idiosyncrasies that manifest themselves on Wednesdays each week. I'm not the type-A personality, but for those people who are type-A, weigh in day must be utter hell for them, as they probably have a mammoth list of guidelines to follow.

My weigh in idiosyncrasies are as follows:

1. I eat my normal meals of the day, but try to avoid "hard veggies" during lunch. I have this wacky idea that the weight of the food will affect my weight and will make my weigh in day full of inaccuracy.

2. I do not drink water or any liquids after 2pm. 32 oz of water actually "weighs" two pounds, so consuming a lot of water before weigh in could actually affect the number on the scale.

3. I wear "dress pants" for work. I will NEVER weigh in if I am wearing jeans or lots of layers of clothing. Others agree with me.  Before people step on the scale, layers of clothing are removed. I even remove my earrings and scarves. Hey, weight is weight.

Anyway, this week I lost 2.4 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I feel like my stomach looks flat/chubby. It's not protruding as much, but there's still jiggle to it. I've had that jiggle since about 6th grade; it's not like I am on a quest for washboard abs either.

I feel like, since Wednesday, I have been on a downward path. Wednesday night, I went out for Malaysian. I did bring leftovers home...but then quickly ate them once I got home. On Thursday, I had cheesecake. Last night, I had two beers (three, since one was 17 oz). Today, we're going to a brewpub that specializes in artisan breads and cheeses.

From tomorrow until Wedsnesday, I need to exercise (AGH) and eat a lower amount of daily points. In other words.... exhibit self-control ....