Donuts and pumpkin pie, oh my

I've been doing phenomenal with eating and 5k training. During the past two weeks, my average "travel" distance, according to the fitbit, has been 4.5 miles. I've even done some running after school around the soccer field, despite the 32 degree temperature. I've mostly stayed under 1,400 calories too. I've felt energized and happy (with the exception of my 5 day "adventure" with stupidly bright red hair).

Cut to Friday, 11/22 and last night, 11/23. On Friday, we went to Charlie Brown's Steakhouse for dinner. While I ordered a healthy entree, it still brought me past my daily 1,400 calories. Those healthy options on the menu are bullshit. They're still doused with butter and other calories that easily add up. When we got home, I also engulfed two donuts.

Last night, a friend held a pre-Thanksgiving pot luck dinner. While I ate small portions of food for dinner, I also had three beers, a slice of pumpkin pie, and a slice of cheesecake.

Today, I feel kind of crummy. It's amazing how only two days worth of "bad eating" (and I actually did not eat too badly; we're not talking pizza, cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, and other grease-laden foods) could make me feel crummy.

Regardless of how I currently feel, I am making an oath to myself to get to the gym today. I'm on the last day of week 4 in couch-to-5k. It's intervals of running for 5 minutes and walking for 90 seconds. It's challenging, but all I think in my head is: If the people on Biggest Loser can do it, so can I.

Onward ...and downward (pounds-wise)

At this point, for 75+ straight days, I have logged every morsel that enters my mouth. I started couch to 5k awhile ago, but now am actually making progress with it. I am on day 3 of week 2. This is kind of pathetic since I started couch to 5k month(s) ago, but at this point I am actually working out consistently.

My current weight is 174. I "feel" thinner than that though. My true indicator of any type of weight loss, fat less, or toning will be when I actually have more than 2 pairs of pants to wear to work. Right now, I am left with a black pair of pants, a brown pinstriped pair of pants (brown pants, in general, are just dreadful), and numerous elastic-waisted skirts.

Kickball has been going okay. It's amazing how a person could be so many years past an experience (high school gym class about 15 years ago) and then be able to instantly re-live all the emotions from that moment. When in the outfield for kickball, I find myself softly chanting, "Please don't come to me; please don't come to me." When I am up at "bat," I silently try to urge the ball to go far and lower to the ground, but those efforts have only left it to go straight in the air for an immediate pop-up out.

At our most recent game, this past Tuesday, it was as if a glimmer of light and hope descended on the kickball field. One of our opponent's kicked a bar ridiculously upward and far. The guys all around me called the catch, "I got it." I didn't utter a word and just ended up catching the ball. In happiness, I screamed so loudly that my throat hurt a little bit. Luckily, I did catch that ball. Those guys would have been pissed if they called the catch and then I didn't call it, yet also didn't catch the ball either.

Numbers-wise, I feel at a standstill. Physically and mentally though, I feel good and energized. I find myself wanting to constantly move and am truly attempting to move 5 miles a day, according to my Fitbit.

Onward and downward....

Sloooooooooow

I'm eating well. I've logged into MyFitnessPal for 55 days straight. I'm still basically the same weight.

I'm trying though.

I just signed up for two more events in order to surge my physical activity.

Tonight is my first adult kickball league game. I haven't played kickball since 1996. In this current league, pegging (below the head) is allowed. I plan on coming home with some hilarious type of injury.

Additionally, I signed up for a 5k in December. It's called the Ugly Sweater Run. I've NEVER run 3.1 miles at one time. The closest I got was when I was exercising often before the month of my wedding. I was able to run 2 miles at once. 3.1 miles is not impossible; I just need to get past the mental block. If those people on Biggest Loser can do it, so can I. I just wish a monetary prize was at the finish line. 

"Fat" Britney Spears...that's all I want to be. I just read an article about her today that mentioned how digital touch-ups were done to the images of her in the "Work Bitch" video. Side by side, the article showed "fat" before images and "svelte" after images. I'd gladly switch bodies with her and take the "fat" body.

Back on the saddle again....

We went to Tired Hands Brewing yesterday. It's an amazing gastropub. Meal choices are fairly small, but Tired Hands makes its own thick, artisan bread. You can order the bread & pickles platter, but even if you order something else, bread is a staple with every menu choice. We went in a group of four, but let's face it, mainly John and I housed most of the food. I had three 8 oz beers (not too bad), but probably had a half-loaf of bread. It was so amazing though.

Today, I went to the gym and did some intervals of running and walking on the treadmill. At the end of 45 minutes, I had gone 3.25 miles. My face was beet red and the amount of sweat I had could double as hair gel with how it was slicking back my hair.

After my workout, I weighed myself: 180.2 . Agh.

Last Saturday night, we had an end of summer party. The days leading up to the party were filled with minimum 5 mile step days and careful eating of healthy foods. During the course of the party, I ate three cheeseburgers, had 6 or so beers, and had tons of chips. Since the party, i have been "meh" with eating well and exercising.

I SUCK at "falling down" and then immediately getting back up.

With work starting again tomorrow, at least I will be back on a schedule with getting up, eating well, being on my feet, and so on.

Eating well, exercising, and maintaining a healthy weight should not be THIS difficult.

Agh, ugh, and all other mutterings of annoyance

The beginning of summer brings with it people's aspirations to "slim down" for "beach season." I don't have an exact statistic or percentage, but my guess is that a majority of people either stay the same weight or lose a small amount of weight in the summer.

Since I do not work in the summer and also enjoy "sedentary" activities (i.e. reading, doing karaoke, drinking beer, going to garage sales), I tend to pack on some extra pounds during the summer. The other day I had, yet again, a realization: I am fat.

I stepped on the scale at the gym and the number read 180.4. What the hell?! I have not been that weight since high school. I feel like I am somehow carrying the 180 a bit better this time 'round, but still am completely aggravated with myself.

This utter aggravation has arrived at an opportune time. Just last week, we entered 2009 and got smart phones. Immediately, I downloaded the Fitbit, Couch to 5k, and My Fitness Pal apps to my phone. I've been making a strong effort to be at my daily calorie goal or, on some rare days, slightly under the goal. My Fitness Pal is brutally honest. After each day, it tells a message such as, "If you ate this way for 5 weeks, you would be 175 pounds."

This will be a slow process; I am basically back to where I was when I started Weight Watchers in January. Some might tell me to join WW again, but screw that. I can't spend any more time hearing people talk about food.

Today, I have been a lazy fuck and have walked a mere 1044 steps. Off to the park....

I can't say "eff it"

Last Wednesday was the beginning of the downward spiral. I started calculating all of the hours that, over the past months, have been devoted to tracking meals or conversing about food. Weight Watchers meetings have been ridiculous. Last week's topic was "dining versus eating." We spent 35+ minutes discussing how to make our eating spaces "elegant" in order to "savor" food. It's a great idea and all, but I do not need to pay 42 bucks a month to hear about using "nice" plates, cloth napkins, and/or candlelight. I'm not a guy trying to land a chick.

Last week began the mindset of Fuck it. I've basically been stuck at the same weight for ages and even when I eat significantly better, I do not see drastic changes. Maybe I should just accept where I am and leave things be.

That mindset worked for approximately four days. I enjoyed "date night" with my friend, Jen: 40 bucks for an appetizer (cheese quesadillas), two entrees (I had a burger and subpar coleslaw), and four beers (two each---even craft beers!). Thursday is unmemorable in my mind, which means I probably ate well but gorged on ridiculous amounts of fruits and/or veggies and hummus during the evening hours. On Friday, I ate healthy all day, including a healthy dinner of salmon, lettuce, and veggies, but then decided to have dinner #2 at Cloverleaf: turkey club, fries, and a beer. Saturday's downward trend went batshit crazy. I had two cheeseburgers, tons of pizza rolls, quite a bit of PretzelCrisps, and three beers...and that was just at night.

Then something happened.

On Sunday, I felt the need to eat better again. I also went to the gym and went for a leisurely stroll on the treadmill.

Today, I ate well all day. I also managed to down 60 ounces of water during the workday. During the last period of the day, another class meets in my classroom. I changed from my work clothing into my gym clothing which, I self-deprecatingly joke, "Doubles as sleep wear if I don't muster the motivation to make it to the gym." One of the students in the room said, "Eh, you don't have to work out. You look fine the way you are."

Then something hit me. Honestly, even if I stay the same weight, it does not truly matter. If I feel good---energetic and healthy---then that's what matters.

I'm kind of on my own path. I'll still go to Weight Watchers (probably for another month), but I stopped with tracking on their site. Instead, I am tracking via livestrong.com. I want to pay closer attention to macronutrients and my true daily nutritional breakdown. I find it disturbing how WW endorses all these artificial crap foods. 

Weight Loss Fucktard

I'm so aggravated. During the past month or so (haven't posted in awhile), I've done everything right that I can. I'm at my daily points total and am even sometimes under by 2 or so points. I don't deprive myself because I make sure to have the 49 "bonus points." I track everything. I've also recently purchased a fitbit in order to track my daily activity levels. I also started couch to 5k in order to have some kind of fitness regimen.

Two weeks ago, I stood on the scale at Weight Watchers and did the dance of joy as my weight was said aloud: 168.8. I have not had 6 as my middle weight number in at least two years.

Fast forward to this week's weigh in. I did not exercise as much this past week, but my eating was definitely in-check. I stepped on the scale and it read 171.1.

I am so frustrated. I feel like I am doing everything right and am at a standstill. Also, I wonder how much higher my weight would be if I just gave in and mindlessly ate junk....

which is what I did last night. A friend had a party and I figured, "Fuck. If I am going to eat well and exercise AND still gain weight, then I might as well eat junk tonight." I had chips, doritos, cheese/pepperoni/dough concoctions, cupcakes, and beer.

We'll see how this week goes, but I am reading the point where I end my Weight Watchers subscription and just give into 170.

Skipped

Tonight, for the first time since joining WW, I skipped a meeting. After my three pound gain last week, I could not bear the thought of stepping on the scale this evening. I'm waiting until Friday to go to the meeting and weigh in. I'm hoping that the two extra days will help "even out" my weight. I don't expect to easily lose the three pounds gained from last week (especially because of the bridal shower and St Patty's gluttony from last weekend), but I just need to see that number do down by a bit.

My downfall is when I come home from work. I make a beastly dash for the kitchen and eat large amounts of food. Today, I was under my points, but when I came home from work, I had a large amount of food: salmon, vegetables, rice, sausage link, two point bar, pear, banana, and grapefruit. It's a large amount of food, but most of it is fairly "healthy."

I'm hoping for some better results on Friday. We'll see.

Downfall

Last week was a moment of disappointment. Whether it was water weight or actual, authentic, reality-laden weight gain, I was feeling down last Wednesday.

Instead of amping up my workouts and being meticulous with my food intake, the past few days have been filled with gluttony. On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower and ate moderately...until dessert began. I had a bowl filled with frozen yogurt, covered with a modest amount of mini Reeses cups as a topping. As the toppings began to disappear, I would walk back to the toppings bar and refill my yogurt bowl with more toppings. I could not decide between types of cookies to eat--so I ate quite a few. Chocolate and coconut covered strawberries were another dessert I could not resist.

After the shower, I attended a friend's St. Patty's Day party. I consumed four beers, one mixed drink, and multiple small slices of cake (which basically equals two or three large slices).

On Sunday, I had a small breakfast, but later in the day had half a sub, two beers, and diner food at 1am.

I have no desire to step on a scale because I feel like I have put my body through utter destruction.

I wish things were easier. I wish that instead of thinking about intricately frosted cupcakes, I could daydream about going for a run or doing reps with kettle bells. That's not me though. I'm visiting my sister in Florida this weekend. When I initially bought the plane ticket in January, my goal was to be down to 160 pounds. I thought to myself, Maybe I'll have to buy smaller sized clothing for the trip. No such situation currently exists.

Until Florida though, I'd like to work out each day. Five days in a row. Eek. 

Feeling fat as fuck

Weight: 173.4 pounds

I've heard the phrase "fat as fuck," but have no comprehension of its origins. I looked it up on urbandictionary.com and it was not listed as an entry of its own. What an odd phrase and weird juxtaposition of words.

After two weeks of consistent weight loss (2.4 pounds each week), I somehow gained three pounds this week. After I got off the scale, Judy, the woman at the desk, asked, "What happened?" I explained about how the night before weigh-in and how I definitely had indulged (3 beers, BLT, and a scant amount of fries). She replied, "Oh, water weight."

I hate making excuses for weight gains, but I decided to do a small amount of Internet research on water weight. A few articles did mention how alcohol can affect water retention.

I feel like I've gone off track, and not even by that much. My body frustrates me. I definitely indulged this week, but it was not as if I was consuming fried Twinkies or massive amounts of fast food. I don't understand my current state of biology.

Since weigh-in, I've been tracking, but I've gone over my daily points for two consecutive days. I'm getting irritated. I went to the gym yesterday and just walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, then packed up my stuff, and left.

I hope next week goes better for me. I know all of this is in "my control," and blah blah blah. I wish it wasn't so difficult. It's just food. 

"The beautiful people"

Self-esteem has been a struggle for most of my life. Nobody should state that someone else's lack of self-worth is a fib or bullshit, but While most people will admit to some form of self-esteem struggles, mine were definitely justified.  Case in point: Within one year of high school, I gained 37 pounds and had ballooned to 180+ pounds. Additionally, I had cystic acne. 

The combination of overweight status and horrible skin made living "down the shore" almost pointless. I barely went to the beach or boardwalk during high school and when I did, I wore guys' clothes. I bought men's surfer tshirts (horizontally striped--not exactly the smartest idea), wore guys' cargo shorts, and topped off the look with Vans sneakers. My hair was generally pulled back, despite the horrible skin. I usually had some form of foundation on my face. Although I knew it did not really cover the acne, nor did it even match my skin tone, it was like my mask against the world. 

In college, I was able to drop 30 pounds within a year. I basically would still gorge myself, but instead of having cheese steaks,  fries, pizza, and sodas, I'd have fruits, salads, and deli meats minus the breads. At about the same time, I went on Accutane and my skin quickly cleared up. 

Cue to 2002, my first year of teaching. I was about 155 pounds, 160 pounds at the most. I definitely could spare to lose a few pounds, but I did not consider myself that big. Despite the fact that a large portion of the US population is obese (1/3 according to the CDC), a majority of my co-workers were thin. A majority of my co-workers were thin, tan, and blonde. There was even a joke about it when I got hired. Another brunette told me, "We were hoping they'd hire you, the brunette." 

My first year of teaching was horrible. While I was dealing with the chaos of teaching 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, I also felt my self-esteem take a nosedive. I didn't understand how large portions of the population were overweight or "chubby" and how I was suddenly the "fat one" at my job. I recall wandering down the halls and silently humming Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" in my head. 

The hilarious thing is that when I was 160 during the first year of teaching, I felt big and heavy. Now, I desire to be at that exact weight. It's amusing how the mind works and how something, in the moment, could anger you....but then years later it could be what you strive for. I'd totally take 160 now.  

A middle number I have not seen in years

Weight= 170.4 pounds

True to my word, I've been very particular with my points ever since the gluttony @ Tired Hands brewpub. I've been under my points each day and exercised three days in a row. On one day, I was pressed for time and even walked/slightly jogged around the school building, ran up and down the staircase for 10 minutes, and did some sprints up and down the 6th grade hallway. It was actually incredibly fun.

Last night, I got on the scale and just hoped that I would break even. I hoped that the gluttony from the last week would just be canceled out by my smarter choices from the past 4 days. I stepped on the scale and was down another 2.4 pounds!

I'm pissed at myself for getting to this point, but I can't dwell on the past. Next week, if I lose .5 pounds, I will have a 6 as my middle number on my weight. I have not seen a 6 as the middle number in over two years.

I look forward to having my jeans sag and giving off the appearance of sloppiness. Instead of having baggy clothes as an attempt to cover flaws, my baggy clothes will be pseudo-mementos of my fat self.

Again, all of this is hilarious since my weight loss goals are nothing incredibly stellar. I was 152 for my wedding day; I'd be fine with that weight. I'd be fine with 155 (college weight). Those amazing Limited jeans from college will probably never fit again no matter how low my weight gets (damn hips), but I can still look at them and imagine myself in them.

I've skipped the gym two days in a row. I guess tomorrow I have to get back on track. Also, I need some purpose for why Ke$ha is on my Ipod.

From gluttony to below my points

John and I were gluttonous yesterday. We didn't have pizza slices with abundant toppings, grease-laden hamburgers, or fried...anything.

We took a daytrip (2 1/2 hour drive one way!) to Ardmore, PA to go to Tired Hands Brewing. It's a brewpub which, besides beers, is known for artisan breads and cheeses. Cue the gluttony.

I had two beers, a pint and a half a pint. Not so bad. For food, we had two platters of bread and butter, a platter of cheese (with bread), and sandwiches. Despite all of those carbs, I actually woke up at a normal time today and do not have the urge to sleep the day away. That has to be a good sign. I'm worried though about hopping onto that scale on Wednesday night. If I gain any weight this week, I will be so aggravated.

Realistically, I could have eaten way worse than tons of bread, a scant amount of cheese, and some beer. I'm still concerned though.

Until Wednesday, I am going to try to be below my daily points--not by a crazy large amount, but maybe by 2-3 points. I also want to try to hit the gym as much as possible and make time for walks during my prep periods. I don't expect much of weight loss this week, but if I break even, I'll be happy.

Off to the gym.... post-black coffee consumption.

Weigh in Idiosyncrasies and Post Weigh in Foolishness

I went to Weight Watchers on this past Wednesday, my normal weigh in day. Weigh in is at 6pm and I have a small string of idiosyncrasies that manifest themselves on Wednesdays each week. I'm not the type-A personality, but for those people who are type-A, weigh in day must be utter hell for them, as they probably have a mammoth list of guidelines to follow.

My weigh in idiosyncrasies are as follows:

1. I eat my normal meals of the day, but try to avoid "hard veggies" during lunch. I have this wacky idea that the weight of the food will affect my weight and will make my weigh in day full of inaccuracy.

2. I do not drink water or any liquids after 2pm. 32 oz of water actually "weighs" two pounds, so consuming a lot of water before weigh in could actually affect the number on the scale.

3. I wear "dress pants" for work. I will NEVER weigh in if I am wearing jeans or lots of layers of clothing. Others agree with me.  Before people step on the scale, layers of clothing are removed. I even remove my earrings and scarves. Hey, weight is weight.

Anyway, this week I lost 2.4 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I feel like my stomach looks flat/chubby. It's not protruding as much, but there's still jiggle to it. I've had that jiggle since about 6th grade; it's not like I am on a quest for washboard abs either.

I feel like, since Wednesday, I have been on a downward path. Wednesday night, I went out for Malaysian. I did bring leftovers home...but then quickly ate them once I got home. On Thursday, I had cheesecake. Last night, I had two beers (three, since one was 17 oz). Today, we're going to a brewpub that specializes in artisan breads and cheeses.

From tomorrow until Wedsnesday, I need to exercise (AGH) and eat a lower amount of daily points. In other words.... exhibit self-control ....

Britney, I want your paunch, circa 2007

Weight= 175. 2 lbs

I remember thinking back awhile ago and asking myself, Which would you prefer: having incurable cystic acne or being ridiculously overweight? I had cystic acne in high school and was also classifiable as "corpulent" (honestly, a favorite word of mine). Being fat sucks, but having red, blistering postules on my face is significantly worse. No matter when you ask me that "which would you rather" question I will always answer that I'd choose the obesity.

Fortunately, it is 2013 and a few years ago, I took Accutane. Cystic acne, even in a "which would you rather" scenario, could never penetrate my skin now. I got in my Accutane doses under the wire. Apparently, the drug is now being banned due to patients experiencing depression and intense digestive ailments such as ulcerated colitis.

I'm currently fat. I have stretch marks on my arms and the sides of my stomachs. I've had stretch marks since I could remember and when I hear women complain about getting them after childbirth, I think to myself, You got a lucky break; I've had these fuckers since age 12. 

I'm back at Weight Watchers now, but apparently I am a weight loss reject. Despite calculating my points and writing down my food intake, the scales keep bouncing back and forth, week after week. This week, I gained 1.6 pounds. I did not partake in the eating of any Valentine's candy and allowed myself the gluttonous meal of an Indian buffet. I basically gained 1.6 pounds because of chicken tikki masala, goat curry, and okra. Hilarious.

Maybe jotting down my thoughts in a blog and making myself accountable to "my readers" (all 3 of you) will somehow help me be more successful with my weight loss path. I'm not asking for anything outrageous. I'm fine with being a double-digit size. I'm fine with being 155 pounds. My ideal goal weight would include me resembling Britney Spears during that timespan when everyone called her  "fat." I thought she looked amazing.

My weight loss goal (total ideal) can be found by googling "Britney Spears vma fat" or "Britney spears disaster." Aim high :)