"The beautiful people"

Self-esteem has been a struggle for most of my life. Nobody should state that someone else's lack of self-worth is a fib or bullshit, but While most people will admit to some form of self-esteem struggles, mine were definitely justified.  Case in point: Within one year of high school, I gained 37 pounds and had ballooned to 180+ pounds. Additionally, I had cystic acne. 

The combination of overweight status and horrible skin made living "down the shore" almost pointless. I barely went to the beach or boardwalk during high school and when I did, I wore guys' clothes. I bought men's surfer tshirts (horizontally striped--not exactly the smartest idea), wore guys' cargo shorts, and topped off the look with Vans sneakers. My hair was generally pulled back, despite the horrible skin. I usually had some form of foundation on my face. Although I knew it did not really cover the acne, nor did it even match my skin tone, it was like my mask against the world. 

In college, I was able to drop 30 pounds within a year. I basically would still gorge myself, but instead of having cheese steaks,  fries, pizza, and sodas, I'd have fruits, salads, and deli meats minus the breads. At about the same time, I went on Accutane and my skin quickly cleared up. 

Cue to 2002, my first year of teaching. I was about 155 pounds, 160 pounds at the most. I definitely could spare to lose a few pounds, but I did not consider myself that big. Despite the fact that a large portion of the US population is obese (1/3 according to the CDC), a majority of my co-workers were thin. A majority of my co-workers were thin, tan, and blonde. There was even a joke about it when I got hired. Another brunette told me, "We were hoping they'd hire you, the brunette." 

My first year of teaching was horrible. While I was dealing with the chaos of teaching 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, I also felt my self-esteem take a nosedive. I didn't understand how large portions of the population were overweight or "chubby" and how I was suddenly the "fat one" at my job. I recall wandering down the halls and silently humming Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" in my head. 

The hilarious thing is that when I was 160 during the first year of teaching, I felt big and heavy. Now, I desire to be at that exact weight. It's amusing how the mind works and how something, in the moment, could anger you....but then years later it could be what you strive for. I'd totally take 160 now.